I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
