dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.