Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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