I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
