The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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