Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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