My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
