We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
