god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
