My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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