shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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