nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
