some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
