i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
