Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Four minutes until I can fart!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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