your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
