god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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