I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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