The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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