Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
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Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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