We got so high we made milksteak
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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