I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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