I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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