What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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