someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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