yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize