fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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