You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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