no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
