just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
