I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
