His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
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It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
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Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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