Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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