Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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