So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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