I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
