the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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