My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
