so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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