I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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