Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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