how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
