Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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