dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
