Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
