You can't motorboat a personality
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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