He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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