my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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