Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
