The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
