why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
