She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
