Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already