I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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