How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
