Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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