The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
