Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
